When Kids Lie: A Peaceful Parenting Perspective
Lying. It is one of those things that most people do at some point in their lives, but is frowned upon, especially in children. For some reason, the idea of a child lying is more unacceptable than an adult lying. Truthfully, we all lie for the same reasons, regardless of our age. In some situations, the idea of telling the truth seems like a worse idea than choosing to lie.
Here are some common examples: Your wife asks you if she looks fat in her dress. You are probably going to try to avoid conflict and lie. Your boss asks you if you finished a project that you just started and is due in the morning, AND your job depends on finishing that project. You are probably going to say you are just tying up the project and look forward to sharing it in the morning. Cue the panic, excessive caffeine intake, and all-night work. You get pulled over for speeding because you want to get home in time to watch the game, but instead tell the officer that you really needed to pee!
How about when you were a child?
You saw the last tantalizing cookie and just couldn’t help it. You ate the cookie from the cookie jar! Your mom called you in when she saw that there were no more cookies. What do you say? It is all in the nursery rhyme. “Who me? Couldn’t be?” Does any of that sound familiar to you? Lying is something we want kids not to do. We want them to honest, willing to admit when they are wrong, and want them to make things right when they do make mistakes.
I recall a specific time at around four years of age when I lied to my mom. She had this beautiful ornamental violin on the bookshelf. It called to me. I knew I was not supposed to touch the violin, but how else could I know if it would make music? My curiosity got the best of me and I took the violin down from the bookshelf. I tried to strum it, not even knowing how to play a real violin. Well, I guess I got a bit carried away. I broke the violin! I knew was going to be in so much trouble and I was feeling scared. As carefully as a four-year-old could, I placed the violin back on the bookshelf and thought I had, ever so discretely, turned the violin in a way where the damage could not be seen. I looked at my handy work, satisfied with my success. “There. Problem solved,” I nodded to myself and then went about my four-year-old day. Surely, nobody would ever be any the wiser.
At some point during the day,
I heard my mom yell for my brothers and me to assemble. She then proceeded to ask each of us in turn, “Did you touch the violin?” My fear of risking being “in trouble” outweighed my desire to tell the truth. Oh, it hurt inside to lie, but I just couldn’t muster the courage to be honest. I feebly said “no,” and avoided eye contact. I don’t even remember what happened from there. Did I fess up in tears? Did I keep it to myself and never get caught? I have no idea. What is burned in my memory is feeling torn between the fear of being in trouble and the desire to tell the truth. I could not reconcile the two and did not know what to do. If I had such a strong drive to tell the truth, why did I lie?
A common concern parents have when they come to see me is that they want me to help them get their kids to stop lying. They tell me they have tried everything, but the lying keeps getting worse. They have tried enforcing various punishments, giving their kids a “talking to,” and setting up opportunities for their kids to tell the truth more. Yet, the kid just keeps lying more and more. Even more concerning is that he or she is getting really good at lying. This is a behavior that brings up quite a bit of concern for parents out of fear of their child developing antisocial traits.
Lying is one of those behaviors that is really hard to punish out of a child because it can be about survival. Kids often lie out of fear of getting caught and getting in trouble. Typically, even if they are punished for lying, the punishment does not teach them to tell the truth. Rather, it teaches them to learn to be better at lying and to be sneakier. The punishment cannot be for the lie itself because there is no direct link to the lie. The direct behavior being punished is getting caught, and that cannot be worked around because parents only know the child is lying when the child is caught. Talk about a Catch-22!
If no punishment of any kind truly works for decreasing lying and sneaky behaviors, how on earth does one address the behavior?
If we want a child to want to tell the truth, they first must feel safe in doing so. They need to know that they can come to you with anything and you will help them solve the problem rather than making them suffer for bringing the problem to you. It takes time to build this type of trust, so if you read this today and try using these techniques, but your child still lies, that is totally normal. They have to feel out what is new and get used to a whole new way of relating. Building a trust-based relationship means being honest yourself and being willing to accept your child as they are. It means welcoming them with their mistakes, because we all make mistakes, and helping them navigate how to solve their problems.
Most parents instinctively address lying through giving them the opportunity to tell the truth, just like in my example. When a child does something wrong, the adult calls the child in and asks them if they did it even though they already know the answer. They think they are helping the child have the opportunity to tell the truth, but how often does that really work? Maybe there are some anecdotes out there of kids telling the truth with this method, but if you are reading this post, it most likely has not worked for you.
Instead of opening up the door for lying, I encourage my clients to close the door to lying, or avoiding the occasion for the child to lie. That way it is a non-issue and the child does not have the chance to learn how to lie more or better. For example, if your mother knew you ate the last cookie, she may call you over and tell you that she noticed you ate the last cookie and that she is disappointed because she was going to share it with the neighbor. She may ask you to help her figure out how to solve the problem. You would probably be more than happy to offer to help make a new batch of cookies and bring extras over to the neighbor. Let’s explore an example of a child who tells the truth because he is raised in a peaceful household. For privacy and confidentiality purposes, the name and some details of this anecdote are altered.
Similar to my personal story, little Daniel got into some mischief. His brother had a toy he wanted and he just couldn’t resist the urge to play with it. He thought and thought about that toy and knew at the time, his brother was not even around to give him permission to play with the toy. As a young child, Daniel has very little impulse control, meaning when he thinks about doing something, it is very hard to not do it. That is a matter of brain science. The neural structures just are not developed enough to consistently stop himself from acting impulsively.
As you probably guessed, Daniel’s impulses won out. He snuck into his brother’s room and took the toy he wanted. He played with it and had so much fun, that is, until he broke the toy. Oh no! What is he to do? He was not supposed to play with his brother’s toy, but he did anyway and it broke. Daniel’s mother had been practicing peaceful parenting. She had learned to avoid the opportunity for Daniel to lie and to help him feel safe knowing that he could come to her with his mistakes. Thanks to his mother’s support and loving guidance, he felt safe to tell the truth. When he saw his brother next, he promptly admitted to having played with and broken the toy and sincerely apologized. He felt remorse and he felt safe enough to admit his wrong doings. His brother accepted his apology and, luckily, it turns out that the toy really was not a big deal after all. I’d say Daniel is on the way to very strong moral development.
Peaceful Parenting helps children to want to tell the truth, make amends, and do better. What stories can you share about lying or telling the truth? I’d love to hear your experiences.
